It’s raining.
Water is boiling.
Raspberry black tea …the perfect companion to the rain.
The crackling sound of the candle burning.
And a still moment on my brown leather futonish looking couch.
Actually more like a few still hours. Not complaining.
I hear the rain drops falling heavily.
Im longing for home. Thats all.
Im going home in just a few short days that seem not so short.
Home…I wonder what it is that makes me so excited to go home.
My parents…old friends..siblings…people who inspire me to live a great life because their's is not…
I don’t know.
I just know that a part of me wants an escape…once more….away from here..why escape again..i dont know...but
To a place that is home…
I just don’t know what place that is.
Where is home God? I stopped and looking around is making me confused again...again im in search for something or wanting something and I never know what it is…im hurt again…my heart is broken…things don’t make sense…ive stopped and I don’t know where to go..
You travel the world in search of a meaning to the life you think you understand but really don’t. You give up things that you did not think you could…. For hope of finding what you have been longing for…a deep desire that does not cease. One that keeps you awake at night and searching during the daylight. And yet you don’t know what it is. Its just there. A longing to run away somewhere far…somewhere beautiful…somewhere where pain won’t catch you and tears don’t exist….a place of no more wondering or reliving the past…where trust is all you have and faith is the ground you walk on…where is this place because i thought i discovered it and yet i have strayed and i dont know where to go... I know I have yet to find it...
I have read the books…listened to the scholars…obeyed the rules…given more than I have to offer…I smile and I laugh…I love and believe…I try to trust and never underestimate the power of faith in His goodness….i only speak kindness and my heart breaks for what I don’t understand…I think I know You…and I know I cant live without You…I doubt I can handle You…
My unbelief is what burdens me…my fear is what strangles me… my insecurities keep me from trusting You… and yet my brokenness propels me to run after You…
Where is home because I long for it more now than ever before. Where is this love and this life You promised me because im still bruised and still weak…hurt from the past..guarded in hiding...afraid of the future…im stalling. I have stopped…and now im confused because I don’t understand anything that surrounds me.. all I hear is my heart breaking…disappointed…wanting to disappear..again..
I fall..i cant do this anymore...God it hurts so much...life is pain and to love is to die...
And then You call…and I look up…You smile from afar…and quicken my heart to run after You…..and I run..with hurt i run...with tears i run faster...after You...my shins hurt...my heart is racing...the cramps are burning...i want to give up...but i cant...i wont...because in great desperation to heal me, Your love won't let me slow down...
and again running ..im running after You…even though trust hurts…running after You is more pleasure than any other thing that has broken me…i want to give up...but Ill run after you…because You are running with me…because if I wont stop I will have all of You and You will have all of me….and I will ride the heights of the earth….and together we will move mountains. And when I run I don’t have time to look around me because all I see is You in front of me…and again joy returns…And when i run, my ground turns into faith…and trust becomes my oxygen…and Your presence is the strength that moves me to love like You love..
And in my running after You…I am home…again.
________________________
Don’t stop. If your broken, lost, confused, hurt, doubtful….just look up again. He is waiting for you to run again. Run after Him. Run as fast as you can. And you will find yourself home. In the arms of the Father.
:)
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
a year into the desert.....
so it has been over a year since i have moved to this small town in NM and a year since i have last updated you guys...i decided the other day that instead of updating on facebook, ill just continue this blog i started (and neglected) right before graduation.
Its been over a yr! Over a year since graduation. Crazy how fast time flies. And how God has changed my plans of big city to this small town called Truth or COnsequences. I have to say...i completely asked Him for it...haha just did not think that he would ever bring me to a literal desert...
About two months before graduating, i remember waking up one Saturday sunny morning and having this indescribable longing in my heart to just be free and fly away...away where no one and nothing can disturb me in my pursuit of Him...it was a longing so deep and i remember, laying on my bed and just loudly asking Him, "Please just take me away somewhere where it can just be me and you and no noise...i just want to breath...i just want to feel like i can fly...i just need to be away with You in a desert place. I need silence so i can hear you speak."
So for the first time in my life...God answered my hearts petition...just exactly as it was made...haha He's pretty humorous like that...(if you know me then you would understand that of all things, i had the least tolerance for anything country, not to mention small towns)
And so it has been a year....and this is a picture of the life God has let me know..
so about few friday's ago...I drove out of the high school parking lot, with a sense of great loss and sadness. First of all my phone and wallet were stolen out of my purse earlier.How do i live without my phone? i need to know i have contact with the real world at ALL times! But thats just that, you know. So, the kids just graduated and with all the college partying and sad stories i have heard over the past yr, my heart was sad in imagining that the futures of the some i have grown to love were going to fail. Now when you hear so many bad stories, you tend to lean on the negative expectations instead of the positive ones that only come with faith.
It was a little after eight when i left the school. I drove... with windows down... my hands gripping the wheel. I was a slightly frustrated. Frustrated for feeling so alone. Frustrated for feeling like i care too much. Frustrated that easy was not an option. At that moment i thought of all the things in my life that were uncomfortable for me...all the relationships that moved me out of my safe place...all the little things i was afraid of...
Couldn't call anyone. Friday night. You know. All the incidents of the day just gave me emotions i could not handle. Something inside just felt so alone.
I made a left at the light and decided i needed a starbucks frap and a trip to the Elephant Butte Dam site. The sky was painted with many colors, all playing around each other. With no one to call and this deep longing for some form of comfort, God smiled and told me to meet Him at our usual spot. Finally i was free. This time our meeting would be unplanned and unscheduled. I had no agenda and finally none could interrupt. And He was delighted. As for me, I had to go out of desperation. To be reminded. Reminded of His love for me. That I was not alone.
I backed in with my little white Mustang. I got my jacket and sat on the trunk with my drink. Overlooking the entire Dam site. I sat there. Completely alone. Surrounded by the splendor of the mountains and the beautiful colors that complemented the night sky.
The wind, so gentle, was like his hand stroking my face.... and it was at that moment that I deeply felt his delight in my solitude. I felt that smile. I felt His joy over the fact that once again i was at a conscious knowing of the fact that He was all i had at that moment. Once again He painted a picture of His love for me in all the beauty wrapping the world. In feeling so little compared to the almightyness of the great outdoors surrounding me, i felt him wrapping me in Himself, and once again....i was safe...the feeling of loneliness left as His presence filled everything around me.
Why are you frustrated? I Am here....your Everything. All he desires for me to do is to love like He loves out of the love that is transfused within our moments of intimacy...intimacy that is not explained with words... but intimacy that is known through great surrender of everything one knows and understands in exchange to know Him. Intimacy that comes with a spiritual nakedness and stripping of all we think we know...intimacy that He died for.
Our purpose in life....to adore and be adored by the One who so desperately desires for us to desperately desire Him. His love is the force that compels me to do everything just to put a smile on His face.
And once again, my Maker created a night to remember... just to remind little me that He loves me and my heart for Him. It was the most beautiful night. One i will never forget. He knew that in that moment He had to reveal Himself more than before. And He did it just for me.
Anyways guys...
the last year has truly been a different sort of journey. I have been placed in the most uncomfortable positions that have taught me lessons i could not have learned else where...
God taught me that life with Him can be limitless if we just trust Him enough to give up all control of everything. He can use us for anything and everything and through all kinds of scenarios if we just trust Him enough to abandon the fear of disappointment and failure. He promised to Never disappoint. And those who trust Him enough to give up all pleasures and desires in pursuit of Him, He will make them ride the heights of the earth.
He told me...you choose...I can make your life an adventure of passion and awe, beyond what you ever thought was possible, if you just erase that silly line that you have drawn for Me. Let Me be God and you just enjoy the journey.
He is saying that to all of us. We are so trapped in our silly minds that everything has to be a certain way...yet God has a different journey set out for every soul. So many people become afraid and pursue the normal. Our King in no way is boring or normal. Everything He does is breathtaking and heart turning. He said, dont look at the way people live their lives...I have a special one for you...a story..a purpose...a destiny...a journey...one that is unlike any other...do you trust Me??
His love for us is a beautiful that we can only experience in the solitude...in the quiet...in the place where we come to truly understand and grasp our need to know Him...to know this Creator...this Painter of awestruck love that permeates the very substance of man. That once experienced, no other desire could satisfy. That once felt and then trusted in that it is real...it moves the heart to know the heart of the Father...to cry out "Abba!".....i need You...my soul longs for You...
And so in this desert...He has shown me just how incomplete i am without the full knowledge of Him..
He loves me. He loves His world. How beautiful it is to finally believe that...instead of convincing myself that it is true. Now I know. I know that He loves me....i know that i know that i know that He IS GOD...and my heart is finally content.
He is jealous for me, for you...and He won't relent until I give up pursuing all else.
How wonderful it is when the heart finally finds rest in this indescribably overwhelming love.
well its 2:38am...it honestly took me like three weeks to write this...I love and miss you guys:D
Its been over a yr! Over a year since graduation. Crazy how fast time flies. And how God has changed my plans of big city to this small town called Truth or COnsequences. I have to say...i completely asked Him for it...haha just did not think that he would ever bring me to a literal desert...
About two months before graduating, i remember waking up one Saturday sunny morning and having this indescribable longing in my heart to just be free and fly away...away where no one and nothing can disturb me in my pursuit of Him...it was a longing so deep and i remember, laying on my bed and just loudly asking Him, "Please just take me away somewhere where it can just be me and you and no noise...i just want to breath...i just want to feel like i can fly...i just need to be away with You in a desert place. I need silence so i can hear you speak."
So for the first time in my life...God answered my hearts petition...just exactly as it was made...haha He's pretty humorous like that...(if you know me then you would understand that of all things, i had the least tolerance for anything country, not to mention small towns)
And so it has been a year....and this is a picture of the life God has let me know..
so about few friday's ago...I drove out of the high school parking lot, with a sense of great loss and sadness. First of all my phone and wallet were stolen out of my purse earlier.How do i live without my phone? i need to know i have contact with the real world at ALL times! But thats just that, you know. So, the kids just graduated and with all the college partying and sad stories i have heard over the past yr, my heart was sad in imagining that the futures of the some i have grown to love were going to fail. Now when you hear so many bad stories, you tend to lean on the negative expectations instead of the positive ones that only come with faith.
It was a little after eight when i left the school. I drove... with windows down... my hands gripping the wheel. I was a slightly frustrated. Frustrated for feeling so alone. Frustrated for feeling like i care too much. Frustrated that easy was not an option. At that moment i thought of all the things in my life that were uncomfortable for me...all the relationships that moved me out of my safe place...all the little things i was afraid of...
Couldn't call anyone. Friday night. You know. All the incidents of the day just gave me emotions i could not handle. Something inside just felt so alone.
I made a left at the light and decided i needed a starbucks frap and a trip to the Elephant Butte Dam site. The sky was painted with many colors, all playing around each other. With no one to call and this deep longing for some form of comfort, God smiled and told me to meet Him at our usual spot. Finally i was free. This time our meeting would be unplanned and unscheduled. I had no agenda and finally none could interrupt. And He was delighted. As for me, I had to go out of desperation. To be reminded. Reminded of His love for me. That I was not alone.
I backed in with my little white Mustang. I got my jacket and sat on the trunk with my drink. Overlooking the entire Dam site. I sat there. Completely alone. Surrounded by the splendor of the mountains and the beautiful colors that complemented the night sky.
The wind, so gentle, was like his hand stroking my face.... and it was at that moment that I deeply felt his delight in my solitude. I felt that smile. I felt His joy over the fact that once again i was at a conscious knowing of the fact that He was all i had at that moment. Once again He painted a picture of His love for me in all the beauty wrapping the world. In feeling so little compared to the almightyness of the great outdoors surrounding me, i felt him wrapping me in Himself, and once again....i was safe...the feeling of loneliness left as His presence filled everything around me.
Why are you frustrated? I Am here....your Everything. All he desires for me to do is to love like He loves out of the love that is transfused within our moments of intimacy...intimacy that is not explained with words... but intimacy that is known through great surrender of everything one knows and understands in exchange to know Him. Intimacy that comes with a spiritual nakedness and stripping of all we think we know...intimacy that He died for.
Our purpose in life....to adore and be adored by the One who so desperately desires for us to desperately desire Him. His love is the force that compels me to do everything just to put a smile on His face.
And once again, my Maker created a night to remember... just to remind little me that He loves me and my heart for Him. It was the most beautiful night. One i will never forget. He knew that in that moment He had to reveal Himself more than before. And He did it just for me.
Anyways guys...
the last year has truly been a different sort of journey. I have been placed in the most uncomfortable positions that have taught me lessons i could not have learned else where...
God taught me that life with Him can be limitless if we just trust Him enough to give up all control of everything. He can use us for anything and everything and through all kinds of scenarios if we just trust Him enough to abandon the fear of disappointment and failure. He promised to Never disappoint. And those who trust Him enough to give up all pleasures and desires in pursuit of Him, He will make them ride the heights of the earth.
He told me...you choose...I can make your life an adventure of passion and awe, beyond what you ever thought was possible, if you just erase that silly line that you have drawn for Me. Let Me be God and you just enjoy the journey.
He is saying that to all of us. We are so trapped in our silly minds that everything has to be a certain way...yet God has a different journey set out for every soul. So many people become afraid and pursue the normal. Our King in no way is boring or normal. Everything He does is breathtaking and heart turning. He said, dont look at the way people live their lives...I have a special one for you...a story..a purpose...a destiny...a journey...one that is unlike any other...do you trust Me??
His love for us is a beautiful that we can only experience in the solitude...in the quiet...in the place where we come to truly understand and grasp our need to know Him...to know this Creator...this Painter of awestruck love that permeates the very substance of man. That once experienced, no other desire could satisfy. That once felt and then trusted in that it is real...it moves the heart to know the heart of the Father...to cry out "Abba!".....i need You...my soul longs for You...
And so in this desert...He has shown me just how incomplete i am without the full knowledge of Him..
He loves me. He loves His world. How beautiful it is to finally believe that...instead of convincing myself that it is true. Now I know. I know that He loves me....i know that i know that i know that He IS GOD...and my heart is finally content.
He is jealous for me, for you...and He won't relent until I give up pursuing all else.
How wonderful it is when the heart finally finds rest in this indescribably overwhelming love.
well its 2:38am...it honestly took me like three weeks to write this...I love and miss you guys:D
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