It’s raining.
Water is boiling.
Raspberry black tea …the perfect companion to the rain.
The crackling sound of the candle burning.
And a still moment on my brown leather futonish looking couch.
Actually more like a few still hours. Not complaining.
I hear the rain drops falling heavily.
Im longing for home. Thats all.
Im going home in just a few short days that seem not so short.
Home…I wonder what it is that makes me so excited to go home.
My parents…old friends..siblings…people who inspire me to live a great life because their's is not…
I don’t know.
I just know that a part of me wants an escape…once more….away from here..why escape again..i dont know...but
To a place that is home…
I just don’t know what place that is.
Where is home God? I stopped and looking around is making me confused again...again im in search for something or wanting something and I never know what it is…im hurt again…my heart is broken…things don’t make sense…ive stopped and I don’t know where to go..
You travel the world in search of a meaning to the life you think you understand but really don’t. You give up things that you did not think you could…. For hope of finding what you have been longing for…a deep desire that does not cease. One that keeps you awake at night and searching during the daylight. And yet you don’t know what it is. Its just there. A longing to run away somewhere far…somewhere beautiful…somewhere where pain won’t catch you and tears don’t exist….a place of no more wondering or reliving the past…where trust is all you have and faith is the ground you walk on…where is this place because i thought i discovered it and yet i have strayed and i dont know where to go... I know I have yet to find it...
I have read the books…listened to the scholars…obeyed the rules…given more than I have to offer…I smile and I laugh…I love and believe…I try to trust and never underestimate the power of faith in His goodness….i only speak kindness and my heart breaks for what I don’t understand…I think I know You…and I know I cant live without You…I doubt I can handle You…
My unbelief is what burdens me…my fear is what strangles me… my insecurities keep me from trusting You… and yet my brokenness propels me to run after You…
Where is home because I long for it more now than ever before. Where is this love and this life You promised me because im still bruised and still weak…hurt from the past..guarded in hiding...afraid of the future…im stalling. I have stopped…and now im confused because I don’t understand anything that surrounds me.. all I hear is my heart breaking…disappointed…wanting to disappear..again..
I fall..i cant do this anymore...God it hurts so much...life is pain and to love is to die...
And then You call…and I look up…You smile from afar…and quicken my heart to run after You…..and I run..with hurt i run...with tears i run faster...after You...my shins hurt...my heart is racing...the cramps are burning...i want to give up...but i cant...i wont...because in great desperation to heal me, Your love won't let me slow down...
and again running ..im running after You…even though trust hurts…running after You is more pleasure than any other thing that has broken me…i want to give up...but Ill run after you…because You are running with me…because if I wont stop I will have all of You and You will have all of me….and I will ride the heights of the earth….and together we will move mountains. And when I run I don’t have time to look around me because all I see is You in front of me…and again joy returns…And when i run, my ground turns into faith…and trust becomes my oxygen…and Your presence is the strength that moves me to love like You love..
And in my running after You…I am home…again.
________________________
Don’t stop. If your broken, lost, confused, hurt, doubtful….just look up again. He is waiting for you to run again. Run after Him. Run as fast as you can. And you will find yourself home. In the arms of the Father.
:)
No comments:
Post a Comment